Women Can’t Science 
In a day and age where religion is quickly shafted for science it can only be expected that there are those who would blindly follow hints of science the same way a Wiccan will blindly buy anything scented that is professed to cleanse. Stupid fucks. Thanks to them, this has stemmed what I will now call ‘Girl Science’ because the bullshit science is presented primarily at females who are particularly prone to believing anything with a diagram or a fancy name. What we have is Jessica Alba in a lab coat she stole from a movie set laying in a basement somewhere in New Jersey with one of those kiddy ‘do your own science!’ play sets for ages 4 and up with little plastic beakers and some Fun Dip. She is the one confirming the product science that goes into things like Lancome's new "Ôscillation Mascara", which is a fancy way of saying “a vibrator that acts as a vibrator... oh, and yes, there is makeup involved but please consider where it has been before you put it in your eye.’”

Somehow these ‘oscillations’ are going to make your eyelashes stand out more than your average black mascara can with its non-vibrating lack of erotic possibility. Why? Because the vibrations cause your eyelashes to spontaneously grow like a fucking weed? Maybe. But somehow I doubt it. You should know, Jessica Alba is also the one who tests anti-aging and anti-wrinkle cream developed solely because God knows once you get old you’re disgusting.

Seriously. You are.

Professor Alba often sits in her lab, smirking wildly with science while rubbing anti-wrinkle cream on her ass. There is some confusion for her as to the distinguishing difference between possible cellulite from that burger she ate once and the aged advent of wrinkles which typically occur on the face. None the less she is still young meaning where there were no wrinkles to begin with… there still are not wrinkles. So it works. But if you really took the time to use the brain that was so conveniently placed in your skull, if you look past your desperation to be less of a messy disaster with concaves in your face that bats could live in, you’ll realize that there’s no one out there who’s used up like you that looks twenty.
Why? Because all that disgusting cream you put in your skin that’s made of whale sperm, sea weed, and goat milk, is nothing more than a strange mix of ingredients that were blended together in a get rich quick scheme based on the idea that suckers are born every minute. The end result? You are the butt of a big fucking joke. While you desperately cling to what was your face while you rub some three hundred dollars worth of goop into it, some millionaire who shat in a fancy glass container and called it anti-aging cream is laughing with his face buried in Jessica Alba’s ass. Enjoy your cream, fuckers.

Believe me when I say I was not always better than you. Actually I was, but none the less I needed a transition sentence and I use products just like the rest of the world. The difference is, I don’t expect them to solve my problems -- I just expect them to do their job. Mascara makes eyelashes darker, nail polish makes my habit of biting my nails taste like licking wet paint, and shampoo makes my hair not smell like shit usually. What shampoo will not do is turn your shower into some hypererotic sex fest.

It all begins when Jessica Alba dons her lab coat and lens-less glasses for a fine day of making sure the pseudoscience nonsense that the company board dumped up is even remotely feasible. On one fine day in particular, she is posed with Herbal Essences Shampoo and Body Wash®. Jessica doesn’t really feel like working and opts for a nice joy ride with her vibrating mascara leading to the end conclusion that Herbal Essence is somehow related to orgasms.

While the company never intended this who are they to argue their lead scientist. And thus it began: a ridiculous claim was born and thousands of women rallied to get their sex shampoo. How many of them actually tried putting the shampoo inside them only to end with an extreme burning sensation you ask? Probably just me. Shampoo can’t do a lot of things. It can’t make your hair stronger, it can’t make it prettier, it can’t make your split ends go away, it can’t induce furious orgasm or anything like it, and it can’t turn your nappy curls straight. What it can do is not make your hair smell like shit.

But due to some fancy graphs that compare your shampoo to “the other brands” and words like “conditioning”, “fortifying”, “healing”, “flex hold”, “body”, and “shine” to entice you. These are the products of Jessica Alba making up words to describe the shampoo she never actually used. Then she found some crayons and made a graph. If you ever wondered “Who decided that hair was this specific amount stronger or shinier after using this shampoo?” It was Jessica. If you ever wondered how: Girl Science. With a nifty stethoscope she found in her lab coat. Some of you may be wondering how I know all this obviously factual information about Jessica Alba’s scientific activity. I hope you don’t think I’m her, because that would be outlandish and, uh, fantastic. I'm just not the famous type. Clearly. With this laundry list of character defects, all the mistakes I've made, largely public. The truth is...

…I am Jessica Alba. 
Love and Oscillations,
Miranda Zero